I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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