Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
