He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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