If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
