It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
