forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
