I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
