Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
