Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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