is your mom at the bar?
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Randomize
