Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
