he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
