I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
