This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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