I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
