I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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