Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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