it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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