how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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