There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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