Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
