I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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