I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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