My girlfriend figured out who you are.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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