I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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