then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
