the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We don't watch enough power rangers
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
