i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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