I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
