the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
God I need to hump something, right now.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
