im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
