Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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