Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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