I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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