Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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