its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
