i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
