My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
