Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
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He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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