I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
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I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
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Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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