I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
