I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
