did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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