i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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