God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
