this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
