It's Friday. Sex?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
