***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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