I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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