Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
