The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
