This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize