So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Floor bacon is actually really good
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
