If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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