Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
